To spank or not to spank...that is the question...
Well to be honest, it's not something that we have chosen to use with our kids. I was raised with a spanking or two, but honestly, the idea that I might receive a spanking was worse than the actual swat I might have ended up with. There have been moments with my kids where I have thought about it, but really it's not a method that holds a lot of weight in my eyes. That doesn't mean that I hold judgement on those who choose to employ it, just that it doesn't work for me.
Sometimes I am not really sure what DOES work for me...but you know, it's all a learning curve with small kids.
When my son was in the thick of his trying terrible two's, he was a biter. He would bare those pearly white teeth of his and sink them into any flesh available. And he didn't just nip you...he would bite and then PULL with his teeth attached to your arm, hand, leg, etc. which often left huge teeth marks surrounded by purplish bruises and hurt like the dickens. Bottom line--it was awful and a very hard habit to break. We worked with teaching him other ways to show his frustration and anger but in the end he had to outgrow it, and we had the battle scars to remember it by.
There was one particular time where it was the end of a long day and we were both at the end of our ropes. I was trying to get him into the bath (from the great outdoors where he had been running around naked) when I finally picked him up to carry him into the house. This did not sit well with HIS plans so he sunk his teeth into my shoulder and locked down. This was no normal bite, this was one of his spectacular "leave an imprint of every tooth bite" and it HURT. I was so shocked by the pain that I did what instinctively came to my brain: I cried out, "OUCH!" and hit back.
Ugggg.
Now I didn't hit hard, but instead a swat on his bare behind that when I finally dared to look had left a red outline of my hand on his tiny little butt. Instantly I felt horrified and guilty and like the worst mother in the world. The crushed look on my son's face reinforced all of these awful feelings and the tears began to pour forth from both of us. I quickly scooped him up into my arms and just held him tight. I felt like throwing up. What kind of mother was I to hit my own defenseless child? I knew instantly that spanking was not for me and that no matter what there had to be a better way.
I have to admit, that incident has stuck with me for a long time. The hand print on his butt faded but the memory of it has been enough to remind me that when and how I react to my kids' upset I am in fact teaching them how to handle their own. If I hit my son when he does something wrong I am teaching him that violence will get him what he wants...and then I might see him use that same method on his sister. Which he, as the big brother, does quite frequently but we are working on that. Does this mean that I never raise my voice? Or feel the frustration bubble up inside of me to the point where it almost boils over? No, in fact these emotions happen daily. All it means is that I try my best to take a deep breath and remember to calm myself first before I can help in the situation rather than make it worse.
Of course this is a personal decision that each parent has to make for themselves as we all do whatever we can to get by and survive the days with very young kids. I believe the true beauty in this lesson lies in the fact that despite all of the "incidents" we are constantly learning with each other and growing together. Does my son still bite? Nope...but back in those days I thought we would never get through it. So, today I am thankful for the chance to learn with my kids as they dance through each age and stage and for the knowledge that no matter what, we will survive.
Hopefully without too many battle scars.
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