Hard To Swallow...

"You can't always get what you want..."

Or so says the popular song from the Rolling Stones. It does go on to say that "...if you try sometimes...you get what you need..." but I'd like to tweak their words just a tad to instead say, "if you CRY loud enough...you THINK you'll get what you need".

There...now you have life with a young child.

Needs vs. wants. A complicated concept that is largely misunderstood not only by children but our entire society today. Really it speaks loudly wherever you go as you see people living outside their means (including myself at times) who confuse their daily "needs" with their "wants". So how does one teach and explain this to a young child?

Recently there was a popular event, Walking With Dinosaurs, held in our city that had everyone talking. It was THE event to be seen by all. Tickets went on sale far in advance and at the time I didn't bite. I figured I would buy them later when we had the money but of course all that meant is that we never bought tickets. As the date of the show approached my son saw the commercials on TV and desperately wanted to see the amazing dinosaurs featured. (This was mostly because we had been telling him that dinosaurs were extinct and he just couldn't figure out HOW they could be coming to an arena near him!) Needless to say I had to break the news to him that we wouldn't be able to go.

Devin: "Mommy, I reawwy want to see dinosaurs. Can we go today?
Mommy: "Nope, we won't be able to go see the dinosaurs. Maybe we can read a book about dinosaurs instead."
Devin: "Why? Why can't we go? I WANT to go...I WANT to go see the dinosaurs!"
Mommy: "I know Devin, I know you want to see the dinosaurs but we don't have tickets and so we will have to do something else instead. I can tell that you're upset...how about we watch a dinosaur movie?"
Devin: (whining now and about to cry) "Mommy...I NEED to see the dinosaurs! I need to go to the show...you never take me anywhere...you are a mean mommy. Daddy...can I go to the dinosaurs? Mommy said yes..."

Sigh...

Again a case of needs vs. wants. Did my son NEED to see the extravagant show about dinosaurs? No of course not, but his four year old heart told him he wanted to see it therefor he needed to see it. What my son really needed was a big hug and to know that sometimes what we want and what we need are not the same things. This is a tough lesson we have all faced many times in our lives and as difficult as it is to grasp it always stings just a bit when the need and want are not synonymous. The needs in life are very basic: food, water, shelter and connections. I don't remember seeing dinosaurs on the list but according to my son they were right up there with the rest.

I read somewhere once that it is important to raise "self-reliant children in a self-indulgent world". This seems like a daunting task when "wants" are blasted from every radio, TV commercial, and shopping mall. So how do we teach our kids to filter these wants so that they can grow to be responsible and mature adults who don't rely on extrinsic stimuli?

Bit by bit and day by day through our own personal choices that we model for them.

Did my son survive without seeing the dinosaur show? Of course he did. In fact not even 20 minutes later he had forgotten all about the conversation over not going. I firmly believe that it is important for kids to sometimes feel the disappointment that comes with not always getting what you want. We have to understand how to navigate this disappointment in order to deal with the bazillions of moments in our lives when we will have to manage it. Life isn't always roses and we in fact do NOT always get what we want. By indulging my kids' every want I am not helping them in any way to learn this valuable lesson. Instead I am hindering their growth and giving them a false sense of what the world is really like.

But the song is right...if we do try sometimes we will get what we need. My children are well cared for, fed and loved beyond belief...and no dinosaur will ever change that.