Who Am I?

This morning at breakfast I received a lesson on my standing in the household according to Sienna:

Sienna: "Daddy is mines best friend."
Mommy: "Hmmm, nice of you Sienna. Who else?"
Sienna: "Devin is mines best friend, too."
Mommy: "And who else, sweetest girl?"
Sienna: "Aiden and Payton and Kuwa and 'Berta and Miss Becky and Gama and Gampa and 'Arwey and Kuwa and Daddy and Devin and Gama and Gampa and...oooooohhh, I wuuuuuuuvvvvv Kuwa..."
Mommy: "You have a lot of friends! What about Mommy?"
Sienna: "You not mines friend...you are the mommy..."

Hummmph.

I questioned her even more about it and sure enough, she wouldn't budge an inch on her stance. I was most definitely, in Sienna's eyes, NOT her friend but only "the mommy".

I'll be honest here...I'm not too sure how I feel about that.

This statement came from the child who screamed non-stop from the time she was born til she was 3 months old and still I loved her. The child who has tested me daily with my ability to stay calm in the face of her 2 1/2 year old nature and still I have loved her. The child who has refused to eat any fruit or vegetable or anything for that matter that isn't a hot dog...and STILL I have loved her. The child who will not go to her father when she is upset, despite the fact that I'm usually the one who made her upset...and still I have loved her.

Yet, I am only "the mommy". So, what exactly does that mean?

I understand my role in this thing called motherhood...to love and care and guide my children through life and that being their "friend" is not necessary. I'm sure there will be times where they will hate me, want to trade me in for a new model or even be embarrassed by me or my dancing abilities. I'm positive that being friends the entire way is probably not realistic and that often you hurt the ones you love the most because you feel the safety within that relationship to do so. Yada yada yada...I get it. But still...it stung a bit. I wanted to at least be up there with the dog, for pete's sake!

Yet today when I was putting her down for her nap (after our usual battle had worn itself out) she took my face in her hands and said, "Mommy, pay attention. You are mines special mommy and I wuv you so very much."

Ahhhhhh...insert swelling of the heart here.

Enough said.

I may not be on the same page as the dog in her book, but she will always be my special girl. I'm confident we will have our moments throughout our time together in this life, but for now I am thankful to be just "the mommy."

It Just Eats You Up...

Guilt sucks.

We all toss it, take it, and experience it at some point in our lives. With children in your life, it would seem that there is more than enough of it to go around. Guilt about not having enough time, energy, patience, or resources to fulfill our kids' every need, as well as our own.

Yeah, it stinks.

Some days I am immune to the effects of guilt. There are the times where my daughter crying at daycare can just tug at my heartstrings and bring tears to my own eyes, and others where I am more than happy to drop her off and walk out the door. (Horrible, yes, but brutally honest...) Or times, perhaps, when I refuse to allow the feeling to overtake my happiness at enjoying some much needed quiet time on my own.

I have found through my past experiences that I tend to be a people pleaser, always afraid to just say "No thank you..." and instead being roped into doing something perhaps that I didn't really want to do to begin with. Once I had children it became a lot easier to say no because time wouldn't allow the luxury of saying yes. Kids demand your attention and many things fall to the wayside. Another discovery was that I can easily "hole up" and become reluctant to go outside of my own comfort level. Staying home instead of venturing out because I don't want to miss a nap time. Avoiding long drives to town because of gas prices. Missing out on life because of various schedules. All of these instances have very rational arguments to support them, but before you know it life has passed you by leaving you to wonder, "What just happened?"

Yup, I told ya...it hurts.

But mostly I have come to the realization that guilt is just a wasted feeling. Truly, I am in charge of my own "upset" and no one can make me feel anything...good or bad. It is amazing though, how much energy I can spend worrying about it instead of just doing something towards making changes for the better.

So today I am thankful for a family member who gave me the opportunity to reflect on this conundrum. Maybe I won't say "Yes" right away to everything that comes my way, but instead of an instant "No" I can at least say, "Let me think about it...". I can make the much needed effort to step outside of my comfort level and join in on life. I can enjoy the time I have with my loved ones but also feel good about cherishing the moments alone as well. I can give myself permission to let the "guilt" go and stop wasting my valuable resources on such an empty negative feeling.

It really comes down to the fact that we only have one shot at this journey, so why not live a little? You never know what might happen if you do...

I can't wait to find out.

Houdini...

Let's talk about sleep...or lack thereof.

I believe that sleep deprivation might possibly be the true root of all evil in this world. I know for myself, when I am tired everything is harder than it needs to be. My kids go right along with this and are absolute terrors when they are short on sleep. So, why is it that they resist it so?

Both of my kids started out as champion sleepers. 12 hour nights...2 hour naps twice a day...it was heaven. Even though there were many many sleepless nights tossed in there the real trouble didn't start until the age of two hit...and then the rebellion began.

With my son, it all began when he discovered how to climb out of his crib during nap time. I'd kiss his sweet head, tuck him in to bed, and shut the door like always. I'd walk away looking forward to my 2 hour recharge time, which I desperately needed each day. That first time he greeted me in the kitchen with a "Hi Mommy!" I was flabbergasted. How did he get out? Didn't I shut the door? What just happened? I quickly walked him back to his room and put him back to bed, shutting the door again behind me. Not 30 seconds later, there he was again standing in my kitchen with a grin on his face, as if to say, "Is that all you got?"

Oh no, I had more...enter the crib tent.

We borrowed one from a friend and I have to admit--the contraption looked almost wrong...as if caging my child was a horrible thing to consider. We set it up and tried it during nap the next day. I'd have to say that it was kind of funny to see him peeking from behind the mesh walls wondering what exactly he had gotten himself into. To make a long story short...he had that crib tent dismantled in about a week. I came into his room one afternoon to find him sitting on the floor playing with toys and what was left of the tent inside of his crib. My son had turned into a Houdini.

We have tried everything in the years since...laying down with our kids on their beds, laying on the floor in their rooms, turning the locks around on their doors, sitting in the hallway outside of their rooms, yelling, bribing, pleading...begging...and truly I've come to realize that NONE of this works. Usually it just results in a huge temper tantrum (from me) and the same question every time from my kids, "Mommy, why are you so cwanky?"

Today of course was another one of the not so good nap time days. I am sitting here still stinging from the frustration of trying to put two kids under 4 to sleep. I finally gave up all of my fight and left their room (slamming the door behind me) with the words, "Stay in there and don't get up!!"

And they did.

So today I am thankful that I walked away and gave them the chance to just deal with it. I can't say that that strategy would've worked on any other given day, but THANKFULLY today it did. I needed the break and I know that despite what they thought, they needed the rest as well. Good thing we have a whole 24 hours to figure out how we will work it tomorrow.

Maybe I'll bust out the duct tape...

Fair Play...

Fair is not always equal.

It's a statement that has been proven time and time again in my life...but also one I firmly believe in. We don't always have the same needs as each other so it would make sense that we would require different things to get those "needs" met. It's definitely a hard concept to explain to children as it appears they believe that no matter what--everyone should always be the same. My daughter had a very hard time when my son had his birthday--she just didn't understand WHY there weren't any presents for her to open. We tried to explain the situation but it didn't do any good...she wasn't hearing any of it. As far as she was concerned she was getting the shaft and we were to blame. End of story.

Lately we have noticed that our daughter has tried very hard to keep up with her older brother. From trying to ride her "big girl" bike to repeating statements she hears him say...she is his perfect little shadow. Always watching...always absorbing...always idolizing her Devin. She refuses to sleep unless he is in the room with her and she has never known a life without him. They really are two peas in a pod.

Tonight I got to experience yet another fascination that Sienna has with Devin. His ability to pee standing up.

Yes, I'm sure you can see where this is going.

I don't have to go into many details other than to say that A. she was ultimately unsuccessful and B. I had a huge mess to clean up when she was through. She has been obsessed with this skill that boys have (and girls just don't) and had been talking it about it for weeks now...not willing to accept that she just couldn't make it happen. A common conversation might have gone something like this:

Sienna: (while sitting on the toilet) "Boys stand up..."
Mommy: "Yes, you're right...boys do stand up. Girls sit down...ALWAYS."
Sienna: "Why?"
Mommy: "Because they just do."
Sienna: "I want to stand up. I have a penis. I am a boy. I can stand up too."
Mommy: "Sienna, you are a girl and no you cannot stand up. Girls sit down."
Sienna: "I want a penis! I'm a boy! I don't wike you! I want to STAND UP!!!!!"

It was a tough argument for sure. And one that I was obviously not very convincing at.

No, fair is not always equal and we don't all end up at the same place. It is usually a messy journey but in the end...hopefully...we all get what we need.

Tonight I am thankful for my daughter's perseverance. Despite the fact that I kept telling her NO about something she wanted to do she decided to take a chance and try it anyways. As a parent, I am secretly excited by this...it demonstrates to me that she might hit roadblocks in her life but that she also has the will to keep trying to find a way around them.

Now, if only her "experiments" didn't have to happen in my bathroom...

Slipping Away...

It is hardest to remember to make time for ourselves.

Usually my only alone time during the day is when I am in the bathroom...and lately not even then as my daughter will bang relentlessly on the door until I let her in.

Any parent can probably agree that with children your time is limited because from the very beginning our kids demand everything from us. Whether they are younger or on the older side, there are always many activities pulling us in various directions. We go from around the clock feedings and diaper changes to soccer practices and then eventually to glorified chauffeur. Yes, it can be taxing to say the least.

I noticed that as the needs of my kids grew my own needs seemed to fall to the side. As much as I'd like to, I have never been one to lead a "balanced" life...I tend to go all or nothing with everything I do. This can be beneficial in some cases but also detrimental in others. When my son was born I found it extremely difficult to balance the challenges of motherhood with work and my own personal interests. Exercise fell to the side, dates with my husband were few and far between, and girl time with friends was completely obsolete. It was definitely an adjustment, and one I did not always make very well because even though I was gaining a new member into my life I felt like I was slowly losing me.

It happens...and it is scary.

I knew I had to make some changes so slowly I started adding the missing pieces back into my life. I dusted off my yoga mat and workout shoes and decided that losing that hour of sleep was worth it for the sanity I gained from the exercise. My husband and I put date night on the calendar and banned "kid" talk from the entire evening...and remembered why we liked each other to begin with. Girl time was slipped in here and there and was absolutely wonderful.

I was back.

It's ironic, but I found that when I sacrificed some of the limited time for ME I was a better parent, wife and friend. Now when I am about to go out for an evening my son is notorious for questioning me endlessly on WHY he can't join me. I kindly tell him that mommy needs time for herself and he looks at me with his huge brown eyes and asks, "But why Mommy???"

My response to that is always, "Because Mommy loves you..."

I know myself well enough to understand that I need to have something that is solely mine in order to be whole. As much as I adore my children I also enjoy working...I like to have some adult time with friends...and I know that I cannot be a "present" parent if these things are missing.

So today I am thankful for all the stolen moments where I get to be me. My hope is that I am modeling a healthy habit for my kids by showing them that it is not only okay to take time for yourself, but that it is necessary practice in life.

Even if it means locking the door and ignoring all the raging protests from the other side...

It's Your Choice...

I recently read an interesting article on line (Parenting.com) about whether or not being a parent makes you happier. The article was originally from New Yorker Magazine and talked about how most people with children are in fact NOT happier than their childless friends are. I found this to be very interesting and it has stuck with me for the last few days.

I would have to say that parenting is the hardest task I have ever taken on. The physical demands (lack of sleep!!) as well as the emotional demands far outweigh anything I've dealt with so far in my life. The fact that I am constantly responsible for the health and well being of two little extra "someones" besides myself is a huge undertaking and one I don't take lightly. It is constant...it is 24 hours a day...it is EXHAUSTING. And I am a person who is happily married with a steady job and a fabulous support system of extended family nearby. I cannot even begin to fathom what a single parent goes through or what the stress level of their parenting job is.

So does this mean I am less happy now that I have kids?

Well, that is of course a tough question. Ask me this, perhaps, on a day when my 2 1/2 year old is throwing one of her spectacular temper tantrums in the middle of the grocery store and I might pause a moment before really answering...

I have always personally felt that happiness is a state of mind that we can make or break depending on our perspective. Am I happier now that I am never ever alone? Am I happier now that I have endless responsibilities? Am I happier now that I have worries and sleepless nights spent wondering whether or not I am raising my children the best way that I can?

Not too long ago, my son celebrated his fourth birthday and we filled his day with fun activities from start to finish. The zoo, soccer practice, a favorite restaurant for dinner, and of course...presents. I could tell that he loved every minute of it and at the end of HIS day he gave me the biggest hug and whispered, "Mommy, this was my BEST birthday ever..." His words were sweet and filled me up inside. I felt "happy" and for good reason..the day was extraordinary, moods were light and things were good.

There are also the recent days where nothing seems to go right. Kids are whiny, cranky, sick, whiny, needy, clingy, WHINY...and all you can think of is, "What the heck was I THINKING when I signed up for this thing called parenting anyways???" Those are the days where by the end of the day you have more than earned your MOM badge and perhaps question your happiness with life as you know it. These are also the same days where the "happiness" might come in small moments or glimmers that you have to quickly grab onto and catch when you can. The hug after the temper tantrum, the unexpected snuggle before bedtime, the "I love you Mommy" when you least expect it.

So, going back to my original question...am I happier now that I have children? The answer is yes... but in a different way than before as my definition of "happy" has changed over the years. "Happiness is a sleeping child..." is a statement I wholeheartedly agree with now but probably wouldn't have ever thought of before kids. I won't say that there aren't moments or days where it is very hard to find it, but yes I am happy and thankful for all the challenges that children bring with them.

Then again, I believe happiness is something you also have to find within yourself and not depend on from other people. My children can't make me happy, my husband can't make me happy, my dog can't even make me happy. I have to actively choose to BE happy.

Temper tantrums and all.

**Note: The original article I mentioned above can be found at http://www.parenting.com/new/blogs/show-and-tell/alina-parentingcom/does-having-kids-make-you-less-happy

Privacy Glass...

Someone once said: "If you want the attention of your children, get on the phone..."

Well, I'm going to add on to that. If you want the attention of your children, get on the phone, converse with friends, try to make dinner, do laundry, go to the bathroom, work on the computer, balance the checkbook...the list goes on and on and on.

It never fails at our home--my kids can be in the far reaches of the house doing whatever it is that they do there (making mischief no doubt) and then the phone can ring. It's like they have sensors in their brains that go off whenever they hear that electronic sound: "DING--mom's on the phone...time to go!"

Recently I was trying to make an appointment for my car to be serviced. I fed my kids breakfast and sent them downstairs to watch cartoons thinking that that would guarantee me at least 15 minutes of "quiet time" so that I could take care of what I needed to.

Yah, right.

I was speaking to the car dealership when my son comes running up the stairs and decides that now is the time to have a conversation with me.

Mommy: (speaking to the dealership on the phone) "So, I would like to bring my car in next week..."
Devin: "Mommy, mommy MOMMY, MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!"
Mommy: "Devin, I am on the phone, this is my turn. Go watch your cartoons..."
Devin: "Mommy, Sienna pooped. You need to change her..."
Mommy: "Yes, Thursday will be fine...Devin, go downstairs!" (the last part hissed through gritted teeth)
Devin: (louder now) "Mommy, Sienna popped. You are being a BAD mommy, you need to change her NOW!"
*note at this point the gentleman on the phone has heard me trying to dissuade my son from talking to me and has heard all of the interruptions so he kindly asks if I need to call him back. I tell him no...
Devin: "Mommy, Sienna pooped and took off her diaper...and YOU are going to be so mad at her and I told her that boys pee outside and that girls pee in the toilet and that she is a girl and has a 'gina and that Daddy is going to be really mad because she is jumping on the couch...MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYY YOU ARE NOT WISTENING TO ME AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this point I abandon my conversation and decide that A. it is pointless to try to talk on the phone with a 4 year old around and B. I REALLY need to go investigate whether or not Sienna did in fact take off her poopy diaper. That is something I cannot ignore.

I think that ignoring is skill that as parents we have to hone. There are many instances in my day where I actively choose to IGNORE what is happening around me. For instance, when Devin is showing Sienna how easy it is to jump off of the top of the couch. Or, when Sienna decides to chant "toopid mommy" over and over and over and over and OVER again while riding in the car. (I swear they know that we can't reach them in the backseat so they let it all fly freely back there...), Or perhaps, when the kids are irritating the heck out of each other, picking and picking and PICKING til it seems that someone will not survive the situation. Oh yes, I have become a master at ignoring. Sometimes.

Other times I over pick my battles and definitely feel like I need to ignore MORE. We can't "catch" everything and we definitely can't mediate EVERY situation. If we tried we would go insane very quickly. Like before noon on a good day.

So today while I was driving home listening to the constant bickering going on in the backseat I decided that I was thankful for the radio, which I was able to successfully blast over them. I also dreamt of privacy glass and wondered how much it would be to install in my rig...

Realistic? Probably not...but hey...we all do whatever we can to get by.