In Charge...

"Mommy...you're NOT coming to my birthday party!!!"

Yes, that is my son's almost 4 year old version of control. It appeared after I had told him no in response to something he wanted to do. (The nerve of me...sheesh!) Lately he seems to be uninviting me on an average of at least 3 times a day...I must be doing something right.

I'm discovering that control is a tricky thing...we want our children to be IN control yet we don't want to CONTROL them. Where does that fine line lay? Is duct tape involved?

I am of course a "Type A" personality...which means if it is in my life and I can control it I will. This can be helpful in some situations but also quite hindering in others. It comes in handy as a teacher with my 5th grade students (I tend to be VERY organized) but I am also pretty sure my husband hates it. Yes...he hates it.

It's been interesting watching my own children experiment with control in various ways. When my daughter was 18 months old she would refuse to poop JUST BECAUSE SHE COULD. My son is constantly taking toys away from Sienna JUST BECAUSE HE CAN. I've also witnessed Devin trying to exercise mental control over my daughter by saying, "Sienna...if you give me the car I will love you forever..." or "Sienna I will be your best friend if you let me have your chocolate..." Yes control is something we seem to pick up at an early age.

But why?

In my eyes self control is the ultimate goal and one that I would hope my own children will be able to achieve. Oh yes, I can hear it now...the laughter at the fact that I am hoping for self control from a 2 1/2 year old and an almost 4 year old when I at the nice age of 36 struggle with it daily.

How many cookies have I eaten when I knew I didn't need another?
How many words have popped out of my mouth that really should have stayed put?
How many days have I pushed snooze INSTEAD of getting up to exercise?

Control is hard. It is hard to control someone else (and also tends to be a losing battle) but it is also equally as hard to trust someone to control themselves and JUST LET GO. I am constantly quizzing my friends with older kids and asking, "How did you hand over the car keys...don't you remember what YOU did when you were handed the keys????" Their answers aren't uniquely profound, just that they would have faith that they taught their kids well and then hope for the best. And worry. A lot.

So now we are back to the beginning and my son's statement aimed at me about being uninvited to his birthday party. I can tell you what I really wanted to say: "Whatever you little turd...fine then but I am taking my present with me so THERE!!"...but I didn't. Instead I looked at him and said, "You seem upset...let's see if we can find a way to fix this problem together. How can I help you with what you need?"

No really I didn't say that...but doesn't that sound good?

What I really said isn't important but I can tell you this. I didn't take over. I didn't rob from him the chance to work through his "upset" on his own or with a little help from me. For this I am thankful because for once I was able to LET GO.

And for the record...I've been invited to the party once again...at least for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?